FTM Prosthetics

Due to some dysphoria about my nether regions resulting from a bit of spotting and an almost full blown period coupled with my frustration that some types of bottom surgery that allow one to pee standing up require a hysto, I've been doing a lot more research online to alternatives to phalloplasty and metoidioplasty. (For those who don't know these are the two types of bottom surgery available to FTMs right now.

I don't want a hysto if I can avoid it, yet I'm scared to not have one especially if tomorrow's visit to the radiologist involves finding endometriosis or fibroid tumors (my mom had these in her early forties resulting in a hysto). There's something really invasive to me about having a hysto and scars in that area that I'm not willing to have at this point. Giving up my eggs, even if they've laid dormant all this time is something that I just won't do. I don't plan on having kids myself, but the right to have my eggs removed at some point is something I'm just not ready to part with. Plus I'd feel kinda empty down there without ovaries...I don't know, they've been with me since I was little and body wise, I just want a cock and to produce sperm (something I know will never happen), not anything removed (except my at times my uterus).

Anyway, the reason why I bring all this up besides tomorrows Radiologist Appt., UCLA just started covering trans surgeries this year (up to $23,000) which means a hysto and bottom surgery could actually happen. But honestly, I'm not keen on either procedure for what I'd like (to penetrate my partner without have to stop everything and put on a strap-on and also be able to feel inside her, god I'd give almost anything for that. Also, it'd be fantastic to actually pee standing at a urinal or in the woods instead of freaking out in a stall without a door when I'm 60.). Phalloplasty is super dangerous, leaves you with a giant scar on your forearm or thigh and leaves you with a huge penis you need to stick rods in to have sex that is not sensate and you can't urinate out of. Metoidioplasty leaves all the feeling in your cock (*they just use what T gave you) but depending on your urethra you might not be able to pee and honestly with my length I'll maybe be 2 1/2 erect. Metoidioplasty also gives you huge balls (I really don't care for/want balls) via saline implants that sound painful at first and I've read an account in which they deteriorated and infected a guys skin. Yeesh.

So, tonight I came back across a site I'd seen before I was interested in lower surgery and thought about how nice it would be if UCLA would cover a safer, cheaper (and probably better in my opinion) method of giving trans/genderqueer folks cocks. It's a website that makes an ultra realistic prosthetic which you can glue on and wear 24/7:

http://www.ftmprosthetics.com/

2nd Anniversary of having my Boy-chest

Actually it was Jan 9, 2010. But better late then never :) In an attempt to document changes here's a pic first from tonight. Next here's a pic from Sept 09.

ANTM co-ops Hapa identity to be racist

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/2009/10/30/2009-10-30_tyra_banks_puts_contestants_on_americas_next_top_model_in_blackface.html

Copy and paste the link to your browser.
Urgh!

The Best 25 Buffy Episodes with Their Seasons

Because I've always wanted to do this:
25. Choices - Season 3
24. Fear Itself - Season 4
23. Intervention - Season 5
22. Storyteller - Season 7
21. Potential - Season 7
20. This Year's Girl - Season 4
19. Who Are You? - Season 4
18. Grave - Season 6
17. Innocence - Season 2
16. Becoming Part 2 - Season 2
15. Welcome to the Hellmouth - Season 1
14. Older and Far Away - Season 6
13. New Moon Rising - Season 4
12. Halloween - Season 2
11. Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered - Season 2
10. Amends - Season 3
9. Restless - Season 4
8. The Wish - Season 3
7. Doppelgangland - Season 3
6. Family - Season 5
5. The Body - Season 5
4. Hush - Season 4
3. Once More With Feeling - Season 6
2. The Gift - Season 5
1. Tabula Rasa - Season 6

Honestly those are my favorites. But if I was to go on cinematic quality and groundbreaking film, I'd rearrange the top 10 to be:
10. Intervention - Season 5
9. Doppelgangland - Season 3
8. Becoming Part 2 - Season 2
7. Storyteller - Season 7
6. The Wish - Season 3
5. The Gift - Season 5
4. Restless - Season 4
3. The Body - Season 5
2. Once More with Feeling - Season 6
1. Hush - Season 4

And in my opinion the best seasons in regards to overall theme, character development and plot arch were (from best to worst):
-Season Three
-Season Five
-Season Six
-Season Two
-Season One
-Season Seven (actually kind of in a tie with season four for worst season)
-Season Four (despite having some of the best standalone episodes: this was the straightest season of Buffy despite Tara's appearance)

Seasons three, six and five were also the queerest seasons in terms of characters (esp. Buffy's love interest), freedom to discuss queerness and themes.

Trying to be one of the (straight cisgendered) guys

New Orleans was a head trip for many reasons...lots of them mixed. With only 20% of the neighborhood returned much of the area was ghost town-like. I was one of the oldest interns/long-term volunteers living/being around the house and it was the first new social situation in which I was read as male 100% of the time.

From the moment I realized that the recruiting director never told anyone I was trans, I could have been in stealth to everyone. No one (except a later female volunteer who repeated asked me about my sexual orientation and couldn't believe I was 25) pegged me as a gay man.

Of course it helped that there were only two male born men long termers. I think that it would have been different if it was a male heavy house. The only reason that one of the first volunteers figured it out was by how much school I have had and my academic interests. Well that and she knows a transguy. A 25 year old guy who is interested in transmen of color and looks like he's 18-20 adds up I guess...

It was amazing to go swimming and just be one of the guys. Shirtless and in borrowed shorts most of the volunteers went swimming in a freshwater pool in Covington, LA where one of the short term group's leaders had family. They made chicken and shrimp gumbo and referred to a horrific natural disaster in terms of the number of trees that fell over in the neighborhood. It was kinda bizarre after living in the lower ninth ward for a week. But no one batted an eye when I was frog kicking in the amazingly cool pool hoping that the drawstring on my shorts was tied tight enough. I was just one of the guys. It was liberating.

Anyway, I can say that it was rather pathetic how much I loved being accepted as one of the guys, even after the 19 year old and 21 year old started having "guy talk" on the work site which involved a lot of uncomfortable language about women that I never liked in high school (of course at my uber-christian high school guy talk was dumbed down, but since I was part of the wall when it came to socialization a lot of guys would talk about the hot chicks in front of me like I didn't exist). If there is one thing I regret it's the spinelessness I showed during those sessions. I breezed into that discourse without so much as batting an eye because I was crushing on one of the women that the 19 year old said he had "dirt" on (she had been a volunteer earlier) and I was hurt by some of the things that he implied to know about her. But it felt so good to be joking around with him and one of his posse, he was charming to everyone and very flirtatious with all of the women in the house (to the point of being ridiculously obnoxious). But he knew he was a good looking, tall, strong guy and after a while some of the juvenille behavior got to me. I became disgusted in myself for letting myself slide into such a passive role and ignoring my 23 years as female. I didn't verbally support him by the end of the week, but I didn't oppose a lot of the misogynistic talk either. I just tried to become what I was in high school: part of the wall. But the truth was at this point I couldn't be part of the wall I was one of the guys and I was being misogynistic. But I was also me: stuck wanting to be friends with everyone, and crushing very badly on this woman.

So I got to talking one on one with her when I could and I stopped hanging out with the 19 year old. And today I apologized to both the 19 year old for not telling him off right away and to this woman for wanting to be one of the guys/spineless so much I sacrificed her dignity.

More Books!

I have been on a reading tear since graduating...and I feel like this blog is turning into an online book review. So here's what I've read since last reporting in:

American Born Chinese, Gene Luen Yang: A very well done graphic novel weaving three different storylines circulating around a second generation Chinese boy named Jin and his frustration and shame in claiming his racial and ethnic identity.

Black Skins, White Masks, Franz Fanon: I've been meaning to read this classic work of Literary Criticism, Postcolonial/Cultural/Psychological Theory since my last year at Cal. It was incredible and will be on my general exam booklist. Some of it is pretty outdated, but a lot of it isn't.

Parrotfish, Ellen Wittlinger: The one and only YA book with a Transman as the main character. You can tell the author has read Kate Bornstein put has no personal experience with being trans. You can also tell she's been out of high school for a long time...the characters don't really act like teenagers and the slow developing plot gets resolved extremely quickly and rather unrealistically. Could someone else please write a YA transman novel of the same quality as Julie Ann Peter's Luna?


My Dillon manuscript has reached 115 pages...and we're missing about three paragraphs so it looks like I'll be spending a good chunk of next Summer in England if I can get grants.

Also, today I was informed two hours ahead of time that my apt. was going to be shown. Since the landlord told me he wouldn't be showing the unit until early July I hurriedly cleaned up "my" place. Luckily, it was already pretty clean from my older bro crashing here for graduation...but still it reminded me of how impermanent my state is here. And I left before the agent showed up with the prospective tenant. Thinking about leaving is too depressing. Tonight T and El had a family dinner and I realized it's probably one of the last.

Ah Chuck

Which Chuck Character Are You?

More on Chuck. Created by BuddyTV

So glad it was renewed, too bad we have to wait for March...the best show on tv. Viva la nerd!