The Cripple and the Starfish, Antony and the Johnsons
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbG2MfElkVc
Samson, Regina Spektor
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1283668
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
New Year Thoughts
I think it's time to reassess. I haven't written in this for a while.
Struggling with how personal to be on this...I guess I made this my transition journal so I'll try and stick to only queer and tranny things (which may of course be one and the same).
There is still residue from last year. I mean more then scars and friendships.
A paper I still need to write that is still traumatizing in it's content. Don't have to write it of course, but I do think I can do better.
For any FTM out there reading this, writing about Boys Don't Cry before top surgery when your family (if they haven't abandoned you) is falling to pieces around you is not the best idea. And trying to write about the same topic over winter break (in my blood family Christmas) the next year is not any easier. Esp if you are in a new relationship and gender stuff is complicated.
Milk was horrible. It displayed a lot of the racism and xenophobia rampant in the A list crowd of the gay and lesbian community. Diego Luna's character was composed of every terrible Latino stereotype imaginable. Penn's Milk said great lines to his white ex-lover about Luna's character like "It's ok, when I go home from work I don't have to think." and "he's taking english classes, so he's getting better." Urgh. I really hope it flops at the Acads. Brokeback Mountain was so much better.
This last topic is difficult to write about, esp. since I meant to tell my gf this last night and didn't. I'm thinking about bottom surgery. It's probably at least 3-4 years out (probably way more), because it's damn expensive and right now I'm really worried how I'm going to get through the month. But it's come to the point where either T has to go or I need to "mutilate my body" again. There's too much pain to write here, but lets just say I've felt more like a freak in the last two months then I have since I lost my virginity. Esp when having sex.
I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life like this. I hate public restrooms. I hate turkey basters. I feel hand tied and scared. I hate questions about "transitioning back" (as if there's only two genders to live in) when I talk about stopping T. I hate it when old "friends" ask me what sexual orientation my girlfriend is. To them I'm not a "real man" unless I'm "with a woman" who must be straight. This hurts because not only does it delegitimate queer transguys, and cite horribly misogynist gender histories of women "making" men, but by implication they are saying that queer women aren't "real women."
Like Susan Stryker said in "My Words to Victor Frankenstein" gender is violent. And the continual process of being gendered by one's partners and choices to make visible (or invisible) one's gender identity is so god damn violent.
I don't know if I should just be single my whole life. I think her life would be easier without me. I feel that who I am is just doing violence to her and everyone she's loved. I'm afraid of turning into too much of a "breeder" for her taste.
Struggling with how personal to be on this...I guess I made this my transition journal so I'll try and stick to only queer and tranny things (which may of course be one and the same).
There is still residue from last year. I mean more then scars and friendships.
A paper I still need to write that is still traumatizing in it's content. Don't have to write it of course, but I do think I can do better.
For any FTM out there reading this, writing about Boys Don't Cry before top surgery when your family (if they haven't abandoned you) is falling to pieces around you is not the best idea. And trying to write about the same topic over winter break (in my blood family Christmas) the next year is not any easier. Esp if you are in a new relationship and gender stuff is complicated.
Milk was horrible. It displayed a lot of the racism and xenophobia rampant in the A list crowd of the gay and lesbian community. Diego Luna's character was composed of every terrible Latino stereotype imaginable. Penn's Milk said great lines to his white ex-lover about Luna's character like "It's ok, when I go home from work I don't have to think." and "he's taking english classes, so he's getting better." Urgh. I really hope it flops at the Acads. Brokeback Mountain was so much better.
This last topic is difficult to write about, esp. since I meant to tell my gf this last night and didn't. I'm thinking about bottom surgery. It's probably at least 3-4 years out (probably way more), because it's damn expensive and right now I'm really worried how I'm going to get through the month. But it's come to the point where either T has to go or I need to "mutilate my body" again. There's too much pain to write here, but lets just say I've felt more like a freak in the last two months then I have since I lost my virginity. Esp when having sex.
I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life like this. I hate public restrooms. I hate turkey basters. I feel hand tied and scared. I hate questions about "transitioning back" (as if there's only two genders to live in) when I talk about stopping T. I hate it when old "friends" ask me what sexual orientation my girlfriend is. To them I'm not a "real man" unless I'm "with a woman" who must be straight. This hurts because not only does it delegitimate queer transguys, and cite horribly misogynist gender histories of women "making" men, but by implication they are saying that queer women aren't "real women."
Like Susan Stryker said in "My Words to Victor Frankenstein" gender is violent. And the continual process of being gendered by one's partners and choices to make visible (or invisible) one's gender identity is so god damn violent.
I don't know if I should just be single my whole life. I think her life would be easier without me. I feel that who I am is just doing violence to her and everyone she's loved. I'm afraid of turning into too much of a "breeder" for her taste.
Chest, one year later
First anniversary of top surgery. Swelling is gone and still have the remnants of the hematoma on the right side. Fischer was amazing, but I agree that she doesn't make you as flat as Menard in Montreal. Still, after all the panic of last fall trying to get everything in line I had a (dare I say it?) fun time in Baltimore.
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