Thoughts from traveling transamerica (Epiphanies interspersed with banalities)

*Warning: This blog is rated R for some honest facts about the effects of Testosterone on the body*

1. Transitioning sucks. It is definitely not for the faint of heart. My face broke out like the Rocky Mountains after shot #5 (just in time to return home). Thank God for Salicylic Acid. On top of breaking out, until the Testosterone reaches the gender no man's land or male levels (no pun intended) one still bleeds every month. Albeit about two weeks later then normal. I knew this going into the beginning of transitioning but it's different when you're in the middle of it.

2. As vain as it is seeing new puny black (or whatever color your future beard is) hairs growing out of your face is thrilling. I hope I didn't drive Amy too crazy about this on the road (I stopped mentioning it, but did keep searching my face). It's interesting that hair grew in faster on the left side of my face. Now I have one big black hair that was growing a bit before T really growing off the right side of my chin. Anyway.

3. It's wonderful to have supportive, loving siblings who are very different from you. I'm really lucky to be in a family with two other kumbyah types. This one was a no brainer. I really like travelling with Amy and Kenny individually almost more so then as a group. It was good to finally travel/hike with just the three criminals.

4. I am really glad I never read The Testosterone Files before starting T. I never would have started it. It was a good read, but man Max spoke about things that would have scared the living shit out of me. Mostly in regards to his sex drive, aggression and solidified belief in the gender binary. He acts like an asshole a lot of the time and calls it getting in touch with his "primal masculinity." But it was good to read about another guy's experience with T.

5. I am perfectly fine with never seeing Aunt Nancy or Mary again.

6. I don't know what the hell I'm doing at HDS. Besides all of the amazing people, religious studies is really not my thing. Sometimes I worry that the only reason I'm here is to transition in a ultra supportive environment, and I can't justify that idea.

7. What I really want to do is move to NYC and intern at The Center's Gender Identity Program after I graduate. I've always wanted to go to New York and I think this may be my opportunity. Plus I'll still have access to good health care trans-wise while making a difference for trans folks.

8. I'm queer. If queerness is more then just you want to sleep with your own gender, I am damn queer. This trip taught me I'll probably always be read as a sensitive, small man (which often translates to gay). Besides, I enjoy a lot of things my queer guyfriends do that are pretty stereotypically gay. I turned to Amy at one point and said "minus the dressing well, Mom raised us to be gay boys." I have told Amy for a while now that I have been attracted to a few queer guys in the past, so I wouldn't write off being with someone who really clicks with me and identifies as male in the future.

9. California will always be my first and true love/home. There was something tangible in the air when Amy and I crossed the boarder, she even mentioned it. We both visibly relaxed and I loosened up in a way I hadn't the whole trip. Sunnyvale in the summer time with its ever so slight humidity and the smells of BBQs going, freshly cut grass and flowers blooming leaves me feeling immersed in some magical time warp to summer reading at the public library, watching the Giants while sweating our heads off, swimming and SPUD in the backyard with Ken. In a lot of ways my favorite part of the trip was pulling into the driveway of 686 Erie Drive and finding my sun bleached green room waiting for me.

10. Travis is getting really old and as odd as this may sound so is my Dad. It's strange how watching the family dog age makes you realize how fast life is moving. Now almost completely white Travis's face is still perky and alert. Although his eyes didn't look as cloudy as Amy made them sound while we were on the road I can sense that he is loosing his sight. I can't imagine our family without Travis. My Dad turned 60 in May and I wish I could have been there. I wonder what it is like to learn you have a son you never knew at that age.

11. Amy and I asked each other which place we'd most like to live in out of all the cities we visited on the trip. I told her Boston, MA.

12. Sometimes I really wish I could spend half the month as male and the other half as female. Just like the half month-er pandaka. Most of the time all I really would like to do is disappear or become invisible. Neither male nor female. Could I just exist as a soul? Then when my body finally looks masculine enough to pass I could take on fleshly form again. I feel like Amy understands this desire the best of all.

13. This trip made glaringly obvious when I passed and didn't pass by people asking if we were "together" as either lesbians or a heterocouple (which was disturbing to both of us). Either that or people were so confused/scared about my unreadable gender that they refused to acknowledge my existence (which royally pissed Amy off). Usually this reaction was coupled with some thirty something guy hitting on Amy (which made her royally uncomfortable and pissed me off). At Orlando before Red shirt Day one of the taxi guys asked if we were brother and sister. We both smiled. He got it.

14. Greasy southern food gives you gas. The "Hollywood Diner" from the drive back to Atlanta from the Smokys confirmed this. Enough said.

15. Cliff Bars for breakfast and lunch save you a TON of money.

16. Hiking 13 miles in sandals along the lip of the Grand Canyon with Amy is probably the one thing I will never forget. Very few people were on the trail, especially once the sun started going down (hell the trail was hardly marked) which made it even better. Gorgeous.

17. If you are a feminist you should see Wicked. Actually everyone should see Wicked.

18. Teenage guys sleep in their briefs for a reason. Certain areas get really tender when they start growing. It makes for some uncomfortable nights when even sleeping shorts or pj bottoms are "too short". I wish some transguy (or any guy for that matter) told me this before T.