Bottom Surgery

So here we are. I've decided to start looking into Bottom Surgery. It's not something I'm taking lightly. I really don't like surgery, and I've heard and seen some pics of complications with metoidioplasty and phalloplasty. But I've realized that for me it's the next step that I need to feel comfortable in my body. Not having a package has been rough for me. Examples:

I really enjoy hiking. One of the things that often happens on long trails with no johns is you have to take a whiz in the woods. I love going outdoors (this is probably tmi), but it's always an anxiety-ridden activity for me. I've had some close calls in the past. And that's not to count the numerous times I've been in public bathroom stalls with doors that don't lock. (This is especially common in state and national parks, where the clientele is often taking young boys in to pee...young boys who like to look under and/or open stall doors.) As someone who does not like stand and pee devices (those tubes fucking hurt! plus I have a big enough cock that all that rubbing is bad news for my arousal state.) or packing (even with the smallest softest packy it looks like I have a boner) I'd much rather have my attached pack be my only package.

I have has real fears of getting hurt somehow (in a bike accident, having a heart attac later in life et.) that would put me in a hospital that is less-then-kind to transfolks. I've heard enough horror stories about transpeople being medically neglected a left for dead that I really don't want to run that risk.

I'm tired of being stared at like a freak every time I go the ob/gyn office. And being examined is even worse. I'm lucky that the gynecologist at UCLA is ftm friendly, but he still says things like "women on testosterone" and it's just a really out-of-body horrible experience. I really don't want to do that as I age.

Sexually, it's really hard to connect with what's going on below...it's been that way for a while, but now every time I come I usually cry. It's just about the only time I cry anymore, but it's just a psychically painful completely lonely experience. I feel like I'll never have sex with a person again. I feel pretty physically unlovable despite having a nice upper body. I'm really into feminine women (queer or straight) but whenever I get aroused I just feel inadequate (I think this is especially strong because right now all my crushes are on straight women, and it brings up the feeling all wrong in high school stuff).

It's bad, I've talked to a therapist for a while but really there is no advice except accept what you have. I will keep trying to work on that, but really I'd give a lot to have closer to normative male equipment right now. :( I also know it doesn't help that since my ex I've been a series of blaugh dates and had next to no physical touch (which i definitely take a good chunk of the responsibility for). So yeah, that's what I'm working through right now.