I've been wrong
I had plans so big
But the devil's in the details
I left out one thing...
No one to love me,
and no one to love.
Loneliness is perhaps an eternal thing...especially when your identity is in transition...and mine is never out of it.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
In Beantown
So I finally made up my mind and now I'm in Brighton, MA crashing on a couch with two very awesome friends of Sam Kendall (family friend). My housing fell through and now I'm running between Cambridge and Beacon Hill looking for a studio or bedroom in a house close to Harvard/the Redline T.
Provincetown was basically Disneyland for queers. Tod and I talked about it afterwards (when he saved me from a rather tramatic day), and we both agreed that there is an element of non-reality to the folks we met there. I mean being GL (there was a severe lacking in the B and T department) was THE focus of Ptown and people didn't seem to have other lives outside of queerdom which was kind of unsettling. But I had a fabulous time chilling, talking and clubbing with James and Tod. I also got to meet Linda, James's former roommate who is now a lecturer at Harvard. She offered me a tutor job which is wonderful. She's going to add my name to the Women and Gender Studies grad student list....yay!
I am REALLY grateful for family friends right now...I hope that folks know that if they are ever in a similar bind I will not hesitate to take them in.
The decision to pass up on PSR was seriously one of the hardest I've had to make. With Berkeley I definetly got the queer, intellectual vibes that I was seeking when I visited. But Seminary/Div school-wise I only got them at PSR. Starting all over again is exciting and daunting but it's the first time that I really feel ready.
I'm looking for a therapist to begin the transition process (one of the many) because I feel like the whole Summer my life was on hold and I'm ready to start facing the wind. It's been driving me nuts waiting.
It looks like I'm going to be on Beacon Hill in a studio or a 4BR with three MIT grad students. Option 2 which is also highly likely is being in the dorm at EDS with a meal plan and a ton of queer seminarian women. I think both are great options.
Anyway that's the update as of now...loving Boston. People have a bit of a harder edge....but it's cool.
Provincetown was basically Disneyland for queers. Tod and I talked about it afterwards (when he saved me from a rather tramatic day), and we both agreed that there is an element of non-reality to the folks we met there. I mean being GL (there was a severe lacking in the B and T department) was THE focus of Ptown and people didn't seem to have other lives outside of queerdom which was kind of unsettling. But I had a fabulous time chilling, talking and clubbing with James and Tod. I also got to meet Linda, James's former roommate who is now a lecturer at Harvard. She offered me a tutor job which is wonderful. She's going to add my name to the Women and Gender Studies grad student list....yay!
I am REALLY grateful for family friends right now...I hope that folks know that if they are ever in a similar bind I will not hesitate to take them in.
The decision to pass up on PSR was seriously one of the hardest I've had to make. With Berkeley I definetly got the queer, intellectual vibes that I was seeking when I visited. But Seminary/Div school-wise I only got them at PSR. Starting all over again is exciting and daunting but it's the first time that I really feel ready.
I'm looking for a therapist to begin the transition process (one of the many) because I feel like the whole Summer my life was on hold and I'm ready to start facing the wind. It's been driving me nuts waiting.
It looks like I'm going to be on Beacon Hill in a studio or a 4BR with three MIT grad students. Option 2 which is also highly likely is being in the dorm at EDS with a meal plan and a ton of queer seminarian women. I think both are great options.
Anyway that's the update as of now...loving Boston. People have a bit of a harder edge....but it's cool.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
First thoughts
Next year will be interesting...New faces (older ones), New city, far from home. I wonder how anyone can transition without the support network of close friends, a significant other or family members. Building a new community while simultaneously grappling with how far I want to take gender identity issues will be interesting.
That is the advantage of going to PSR. Amy will be there and even though I know she's apprehensive about my eagerness to transition, I know she's got my back. The problem is I know my mom is going to have major issues and she'll be an hour away. I agree that it'd be safer to transition in New York rather then Boston, but HDS has all of the classes I need/want for Ph.D. work so that's the city I'm going to land in...if I go.
The other thing is the Bay Area has a very visible trans community, but I feel weird approaching it having been out as a woman oriented woman (a.k.a. lesbian) to my trans friends. (Actually I never really have been officially out as a lesbian, simply because I've never been comfortable with the term since I don't really identify as female, but no one's ever asked) And everyone knows me by the name I want to leave behind next year.
Finding housing in Somerville/Cambridge is a pain in the butt. Balancing everything on my gender identity confusion and vocation makes a clear decision (although I know it'll never really be clear) far harder. People ask me where I want to be in three years and I all I want to tell them is more like me. Heading where I need to go to be the person I am, encompassing all aspects of who I am; intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically want to have a stronger sense of independence by the end of three years. And I want to come out to my parents (for the second time) when I am at a place where I feel sure and ok with what I shall become.
Having spent time on the internet learning about counseling, hormone treatments, surgeries, activism and support groups...I'm excited about the future...and completely terrified. Will anyone really love me once my body starts to represent who I've always felt I am?
That is the advantage of going to PSR. Amy will be there and even though I know she's apprehensive about my eagerness to transition, I know she's got my back. The problem is I know my mom is going to have major issues and she'll be an hour away. I agree that it'd be safer to transition in New York rather then Boston, but HDS has all of the classes I need/want for Ph.D. work so that's the city I'm going to land in...if I go.
The other thing is the Bay Area has a very visible trans community, but I feel weird approaching it having been out as a woman oriented woman (a.k.a. lesbian) to my trans friends. (Actually I never really have been officially out as a lesbian, simply because I've never been comfortable with the term since I don't really identify as female, but no one's ever asked) And everyone knows me by the name I want to leave behind next year.
Finding housing in Somerville/Cambridge is a pain in the butt. Balancing everything on my gender identity confusion and vocation makes a clear decision (although I know it'll never really be clear) far harder. People ask me where I want to be in three years and I all I want to tell them is more like me. Heading where I need to go to be the person I am, encompassing all aspects of who I am; intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically want to have a stronger sense of independence by the end of three years. And I want to come out to my parents (for the second time) when I am at a place where I feel sure and ok with what I shall become.
Having spent time on the internet learning about counseling, hormone treatments, surgeries, activism and support groups...I'm excited about the future...and completely terrified. Will anyone really love me once my body starts to represent who I've always felt I am?
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